Another presidential kick at the illegal immigration can

13/05/2011

Still basking in the approval of his presidential decision to take out the most badass jihadist of them all, President Obama got his groove back and used that political capital to again ruffle some Republican feathers on illegal immigration.

Er, kind of.

Delivering his speech this week in El Paso, Texas—for obvious reasons—the President spoke euphemistically of the estimated 11 million “undocumented immigrants” who are “just trying to earn a living and provide for their families”.

Then he joked about what’s been done to appease the nativists, “Now they're going to say we need to quadruple the Border Patrol. Or they'll want a higher fence. Maybe they'll need a moat. Maybe they want alligators in the moat. They'll never be satisfied. And I understand that. That's politics.”

So what’s his solution, his panacea?

Well, first and foremost he’s a politician who needs to get reelected, so anything truly innovative had to be somewhat counterbalanced by big, juicy carrots like promises to maintain border security and continue expelling “undocumented criminals”.

The latter he boasted having done—thus far— to the tune of 70%—which, while a-ok for U.S.A., is much less so for the poor resource-starved Latin American countries required to welcome those delinquents back home.

But again, as the President said, “That’s politics.” And in order to really fix “the broken immigration system,” the fat kid can’t get on the policy teeter-totter till the skinny one finds a friend. They usually call this ‘compromise’; I call it confusing.

Especially the third pillar of Obama’s proposed “reform”:

“Third, those who are here illegally, they have a responsibility as well. So they broke the law, and that means they've got to pay their taxes, they've got to pay a fine, they've got to learn English. And they've got to undergo background checks and a lengthy process before they get in line for legalization. That's not too much to ask.”

So how will this work for José the Guatemalan dishwasher?

He’s gruelingly worked various menial jobs over the course of his undocumented decade chez Uncle Sam, but suddenly he’s given the gift of “reform”…

¡Qué bien! He thinks.

Or does he?

Ok, let’s think about what the president is saying…

José broke the law and has to pay taxes.

Does that mean retroactively?

All ten years?

How would the IRS go about determining what he owes?

Anyway, whenever that’s sorted out—he has to pay a fine.

Well, what kind of fine?

How much?

You remember he came to the United States because there was no work at home, to make a measly wage and scrape by on the money he didn’t remit.

Can he afford this reform?

Then he has to go learn English. But wait—if he’s made it this far without speaking any—isn’t that just a little bit ingenuous on his part?

The icing on the cake, though, is that once he’s complied with all those requirements, he has to undergo a background check and a “lengthy process” before he gets in line for legalization.

A background check? By the letter of the law, isn’t he a criminal?

And as far as waiting in line for this “lengthy process” with 10,999,999 others: he didn't or couldn't wait the first time, so why would he wait now?